Eulogy
by D-chan
Summary: language, spoilers through episode 50 :: Goku speaks for, and to, the dead.


**: Eulogy :**

_Gensomaden__ Saiyuki_

Disclaimer: I don't own Gensomaden Saiyuki, which rightfully belongs to Minekura Kazuya.

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: language, Gensomaden series spoilers (through episode 50), angst

Notes: This was inspired by a doujinshi I saw somewhere. Sadly, I can't remember the name of it, or where I found it. This is just a heads up in case somebody here has read the doujinshi and realizes the idea I semi borrowed. I did my best to make the story different, though- such as no shounen ai or yaoi.

Also, the final line is one from the last episode of the anime.

Constructive criticism and feedback is appreciated.

-

The sound of destruction was everywhere. Rocks ground against each other, grating in an earsplitting fashion that made Goku cringe and clench his teeth. The earth shook, thunder exploded, and there was only one way out.

Yet even as he followed his companions toward the door of escape, he couldn't help but hesitate. A glance over his shoulder told him what he still wasn't ready to believe; that Homura was dead, and everything the god had worked so hard for was falling apart.

Goku had said he would never accept this world. That didn't mean he wanted its destruction to take Homura with it.

Without thinking, he turned away from the escape route. His feet carried him over to the prone body of his adversary. Homura's head was still tilted slightly toward the side, his chin close to his chest, as though he were unable to meet the boy's eyes. The posture was so unlike him during life; it tugged insistently at the boy's emotions, refusing to be ignored. Something deep within told him something was off. Something was missing; something had to be done.

Goku knelt beside the man, eyes roaming over the still body. Only the earth's tremors moved the man. The boy didn't know what he was looking for, but he was sure that if he could find it...

"Goku" Sanzo's voice came sharply, snapping him out of his reverie.

Hastily shoving what he had grasped into his pocket, the brunette stood. "Coming" he yelled, relieved that he sounded no different than usual. He ran toward the voice, to the exit, and the new world came crashing down behind him.

-

Nighttime came, and he was nervous. Normally he would have been relieved to hear Sanzo rent a room for all four of them to sleep in after an escapade like that, but this time he had wished as hard as possible for his keeper to do otherwise. This made it much harder for him to simply walk out at his convenience.

That was what he needed.

He waited until the mutual agreement to retire to bed. Keeping his cheerful face on, he left to use the bathroom. There he was disappointed; there were no avenues of escape, not even a window. After consideration, he had to admit that wasn't the best of plans anyway. Someone would have wondered where he was eventually, and a simple glance would have told them he'd run off. Goku didn't want to have to answer questions. While he was fairly sure Hakkai would have understood, he was a little more leery about Gojyo and Sanzo's approval.

In order to avoid awkward confrontations, the best idea would be to slip out while the other's slept. Trying to keep that in mind, Goku hurriedly brushed his teeth, and then returned to the bedroom.

"What the hell? Did you get lost, monkey" Gojyo sneered.

"Real funny" Goku grumbled, pulling back the covers. He haphazardly tossed them on again, as he always did. The night was somewhat cool, so he might need that warmth later.

Luckily, Gojyo decided to let the banter drop where it was. Due to the way Goku made the insult fall flat, the boy supposed.

It was difficult to retain consciousness while snuggled beneath the covers. Goku shifted restlessly, though he tried to keep quiet. He wasn't sure exactly what all his sleeping habits were, and he was wary of making one of his roommates suspicious.

Somehow, he managed to stay awake as the rest of his companions fell into slumber. The moon was barely a sliver that night, for which Goku was grateful. It would make navigating difficult, but slipping out unnoticed would go by a lot easier now.

At last he deemed it safe enough. He cautiously pushed his blankets back, and then hastily threw them over the bed again. Should one of them wake up, perhaps the disarray would make their sleepy minds think there was nothing wrong, and they would go back to sleep without question.

Goku picked up his boots, carrying them across the floor. This was one of the better hotels they'd stayed at; the floorboards hardly squeaked. Immensely relieved, he reached the door unnoticed. He froze once as a sound reached his ears, but it was just Hakkai stirring in his sleep.

He opened the door, and then fled.

Outside, he hastily shoved his boots on. The laces at the top remained untied, but he wasn't worried about tripping. The boy ran, not certain where he wanted to go. He just wanted to look, to see if he could find a suitable place.

Somehow, he found it within five minutes. By the time he glimpsed the red oak tree, his face was flushed, his chest heaving as he gasped for breath. The night air was frigid, and his exhalations came out in small puffs, but he felt uncomfortably hot all over. Goku paused to rest, falling to his knees, and then his back.

Once he could breathe properly, he pushed himself back up. He was even more exhausted now, but he wasn't finished yet. Walking around the tree, he was annoyed to find that the soil wasn't ideally soft.

But it would have to do.

On his hands and knees, the brunette tore at the ground. Dirt wormed its way beneath his fingernails, and within seconds his hands were caked with it. He kept digging, feeling a sort of dogged determination as he did so. He had to do this; had to do this... had to...

His arms ached by the time he deemed the hole deep enough. His skin was flushed again, the heat making him squirm in discontent. Goku wiped his hands on his jeans, but still dirt clung to them; even more so when he wiped his forehead. Annoyed, he finally found a patch of grass that did the job better than his clothes had.

The brunette paused to catch his breath again. Only when his lungs didn't feel sore each time he inhaled did he finally move. He dug around in his pocket, easily finding what he needed. He pulled the stolen object free with a series of soft clatters.

Goku stared at it for a long moment, before finally dropping the string of beads into their grave. They looked inky black against the soil, and were almost impossible to see in what little lighting he had.

Closing his eyes, the boy spoke slowly.

"You were so frustrating. You know that? So... impossibly frustrating."

No good, he decided after mulling those words over. He sounded too much like Sanzo.

"But you fought... admirably."

Also no good. This time the words were more suited to Hakkai. Frustrated, the boy ran his fingers through his hair.

"I never really liked you."

Fantastic. Now he was mimicking Gojyo. The boy felt like screaming. Instead, he clenched his fists, closed his eyes, and took several steadying breaths. When he opened his mouth, he was relieved to hear words more like his own spill out.

"I always looked forward to kicking your ass. I just thought... hey, I can beat this guy. I _can_. So I kept getting stronger, partially so I could beat you. Maybe you think it was all for you, but you weren't _that_ important, 'cuz I promised myself a long time ago I'd get stronger. I don't wanna die a sucky death."

At this point he cringed. The final sentence brought back an image of the man's final expression; the peaceful smile, the relaxation in his brow and mouth that made Goku realize how tense he had been before, the subtle change in his demeanor simply due to the strands of hair trying to cover his mouth...

Goku shuddered.

"You were really strong. The strongest. I..."

Definitely the strongest, he remembered. He had never felt such power before, power that had shown in both the man's aura and his punches. That was the kind of strength he himself constantly strained to achieve. For someone to _want_ to give that all up seemed unnatural to him.

"I wanted... to beat that. If I can defeat the strongest... I can _be_ the strongest..."

The smug smirk, the knowing light glinting wickedly in his eyes, the easy way he carried himself... little details were beginning to trickle into Goku's thoughts. He fought against them; he didn't want to be distracted. This was as close to a funeral as he could get. He had to make this count; he didn't want to have to repeat this process again... but in case he did, he wanted this one to help strengthen him. There was the possibility he would outlive more people he admired, possibly people he actually _liked_.

He shoved his shaking hands into his pockets, unaware of the tightening in his voice.

"So... I thought... you'd always be there... as someone for me to... aspire to..."

Even though it had been foolish thinking, still he had thought so. As Kougaiji had always been someone for him to fight, as Sanzo was always his sun, as Gojyo was always his big brother, as Hakkai was the only one who tried to treat him like an equal, so Homura had been the idol of sorts. Goku had viewed him as someone to try to defeat, even if he had never really expected to. That was why, despite his boasting, he had been stunned the first time his punch had broken through the god's defenses. While fighting him in the new world, he hadn't been as surprised to hit him; so much as he had when his staff had broken through the man's body.

"I just thought you..."

Without that idol to look up to, without something to strive toward, Goku had just lost one thing he had come to take for granted. And that frightened him. Did that mean he was doing the same thing to Sanzo, Gojyo, and Hakkai also?

"You..."

Was he always going to be so inconsiderate? Was it this lack of consideration that had determined Homura's fate? Could it have been changed if Goku had been more attentive to people other than himself?

Did he think of himself as the most important person in the world? Was his ego _that_ frightening?

"You _goddamn bastard!_"

Because of Homura, he was thinking these strange thoughts. Thanks to him, Goku felt lost and confused in ways he never had been before. He couldn't pick himself up as easily as he had before, and that terrified him.

So he took that anger, twisted it, and lashed out at a dead person.

"You goddamn selfish bastard! You're no better than me, making me think things like this! What, do you think you're the only person who's ever suffered? So what if the gods hated you? They're obviously stupid, aren't they? Why didn't you just come down to earth! This place can't be as tainted as the heavens, can it?"

Hot. He was hot again, his face flushed with fury, and this time he didn't pause to catch his breath. In fact, his voice grew higher in pitch as he began to scream.

"I can't believe you thought you guys were just so much better that other people deserved to be killed for your purpose! That's so _stupid_! Didn't you say the gods were arrogant? Doesn't that make you arrogant, too?"

Smug, conceited bastard. Goku recalled the man's cocky smirk, the way he could simply arch an eyebrow and smirk to make someone feel inferior. Wasn't it that attitude that had spurred the brunette so defiantly to become stronger?

"How do you know the gods aren't the ones who're right? Maybe we _are_ cursed! Isn't that why they locked me away? Isn't that why you were dying?"

Too late he realized that wasn't what he meant at all. There was no way that was possible. Goku was sure he had done something horrible to be locked away for so many years. But still, what sort of inhumane beings would steal a child's memories, imprison him for five hundred years, and see to it he had no outside contact? If Sanzo had never come to rescue him, he might have remained in that cave for even more years to come.

Likewise, they must have done something horribly wrong to Homura. Yet even knowing this, Goku couldn't get his mouth to stop before the words spilled out.

"_I hate you!_"

He paused to breathe, and for a moment he simply felt numb. His lungs hurt, burning intensely after all his screaming. The tips of his fingers tingled, as though thawing after being encased in sheets of ice for hours on end. All the blood seemed to have left his body for his face, because now he was uncomfortably hot; sweating, even.

The torpidity began to ebb. Within moments he was flooded with a new feeling, one that left him shaking, angry, and confused. Guilt. The emotion fell with staggering weight on his shoulders, causing the boy's knees to give out under him. He was dirty, his arms covered with soil, some of the gritty substance wedged in beneath his fingernails. The tips of his fingers were raw from tearing at the rough ground, and they stung. His clothes were smudged, and he could feel it on his face, his knees...

His appearance was going to raise questions—and if not that, then someone would hear him showering so late at night (or was it early in the morning?) and wonder what he was doing up before any of them. And why he was in the shower.

Goku didn't care. Though guilt still seeped into his veins, his face felt frozen and blank as he began to push the loose dirt into the makeshift grave. The beads were soon covered by a thin layer of grime, but blocking them from view didn't make the image of his dead adversary disappear. If anything, the mental picture seemed to brighten with hellish intensity.

Frightened, he began to press down on the dirt. The soil was soon hard and compact, and he shoved more of the loose substance into the slowly filling hole. Push, press, and repeat. Push, press, and repeat.

Goku was stunned when his eyes began to burn. Even worse was when an ice-hot droplet managed to escape his blurry vision, rolling a trail down the side of his nose. The salty liquid trembled for a moment, suspended, and then fell into the grave.

He didn't cry anymore after that. But as Goku resumed his job of filling the waning pit, he found himself muttering rapid, senseless apologies.

He didn't like hating people. He _didn't_ hate people. And Homura had done so much for him, in his own twisted way, that he was one of the last people Goku should have said those words to.

At last he was finished. A small mound barely rose out of the otherwise flat area, and now all he could smell was freshly turned dirt.

Goku rubbed the back of his hand over where the tear had fallen. He was even messier now, but at least the tearstain wasn't visible. Now he was angry at himself for crying, because Homura would have...

Actually, he didn't know if the man would have approved. He had been an enigma in many ways. But Goku wished he hadn't cried, even that single stupid tear, because it violated nearly every rule he'd ever been taught. Plus, he couldn't remember the last time he had cried, and he didn't want to start now.

Thickly, but quietly, he said, "Next time I see you—" Because, somehow, he believed they would meet again despite the laws of nature"—I'll kill you with my own strength."

It wasn't the best ending to a eulogy, but it was _his_ ending. Satisfied, and feeling the deceased god would have approved, Goku made his way back to the inn. And though it was tempting, and very hard to resist the temptation, he didn't once look back.

_"You should feel honored. You are the one and only being I, War Prince Homura, acknowledge as the strongest."_


End file.
